My Testimony

What was I like before I met Christ personally? At the time I thought I was the greatest thing on two legs. Looking back I realize I was a really insecure, angry kid with no sense of direction. I was passionate for sure. Passionate about about me. My mother grew up in the church while my father did not. He became a very successful lawyer really early and since the day I was born until now, I always had this picture of my dad in a suit and tie. The day my parents got a divorce, I was three. I remember it vaguely except a few fragments and scenes. One in particular, I remember my dad dragging me and my sister into the car and wrestling to buckle me in, while my mom was crying hysterically as she was on the side pulling us out of the car. The scene ends with me being pulled into a house with the door closing behind me in front of my dad.

Since then, my life can be defined as this endless search to find manhood. I was lost in the world. I was raised by my single mother, and though I am forever grateful for her love and provision, I was so scared and so lost. I grew up bitter, hating my dad. The times I would see him, once a year, were times I put up this facade, but upon getting on the plane at the end of it all, I reflected on the abandonment, the neglect-ultimately what a terrible person he was. I spent hours in my room writing hateful letters I never sent. I journaled my resentment. I wrote songs and stories about committing suicide so that he would be stabbed with shame and regret being the cause. At an early age I found an escape through the mediums of drugs. It was a path to numbing pain, disengaging with the realities of my darkness, a superficial gateway into popularity with certain people, and a way to cover up my insecurities.

I lied and stole from my family to facilitate these lusts. I hated my sister. Though we were only two years apart and she experienced everything I had with our family, I had complete ill-will against her. I engaged in every thing that you had to keep a secret in order to do. By day I was perfect student who got straight A's and went to church. By night, I was living a nightmare with a smile.

How did I come to know Christ personally? This happened over a long period through my teens and college years. God began chipping every numbing source to get to the core of me. I found him in my bed, so angry, I couldn't sleep. So I decided to read the Bible to wear my eyes out and hopefully fall asleep. I read all of Genesis. I was hooked. For the next 4 months I read a couple of chapters, going from cover to cover. For some reason, though I had read, memorized and was quizzed on these texts my whole life, it wasn't until then, I began to see this immeasureable amount of love saturated in every word. I was experiencing who God was through His Word. I wanted to know Him more, and I knew the only way to fully know this love, this God, was through Jesus, the incarnation of love and God! I prayed and prayed for days, asking for God to show me love, asking Jesus to take my life, show me how real He was. Suddenly, all the hate began to go away, replaced with love- like, truly a desire to show affection to those I once hated. I forgave my dad. That summer I told him everything. I told him that I really did love him.

Who am I now? I am a man, not yet a man, but knows what kind of man I am called to be because of Jesus. My sister is my best friend. I love my family. I am going to a Bible college, desiring a future in vocational ministry. My love for music has allowed me to encourage Christians through leading worship. I work with youth. I use my story to reach out to youths with the same story. I mentor high school guys. I still struggle with feelings of rejection, insecurity, and much of the internal wounds of the past, but there is so much healing thanks to God. I have found a father in Him. And what am I doing now? Well...I am blogging about this story God has allowed me to be a part of, in preparation to share that story with hundreds of people in a country thousands of miles away.

God is great!